Little Criminals

Short People, You Can’t Fool The Fat Man, Little Criminals, Texas Girl At The Funeral Of Her Father, Jolly Coppers On Parade, In Germany Before The War, Sigmund Freud’s Impersonation Of Albert Einstein In America, Baltimore, I’ll Be Home, Rider In The Rain, Kathleen (Catholicism Made Easier), Old Man On The Farm



Short People
Lyrics

Short People got no reason
Short People got no reason
Short People got no reason
To live
They got little hands
Little eyes
They walk around
Tellin’ great big lies
They got little noses
And tiny little teeth
They wear platform shoes
On their nasty little feet
Well, I don’t want no Short People
Don’t want no Short People
Don’t want no Short People
`Round here
Short People are just the same
As you and I
(A Fool Such As I)
All men are brothers
Until the day they die
(It’s A Wonderful World)
Short People got nobody
Short People got nobody
Short People got nobody
To love
They got little baby legs
That stand so low
You got to pick ’em up
Just to say hello
They got little cars
That go beep, beep, beep
They got little voices
Goin’ peep, peep, peep
They got grubby little fingers
And dirty little minds
They’re gonna get you every time
Well, I don’t want no Short People
Don’t want no Short People
Don’t want no Short People
‘Round here

You Can’t Fool The Fat Man
Lyrics

Sittin’ with the fat man
Tryin’ to get a loan
Talkin’ about the horses
And the women that we’ve known
Spittin’ on the sidewalk
Squintin’ into the sun
Greetin’ all the people
Smilin’ at everyone
I said “Hey, listen, Fat Man
I just can’t get a break
Must I pay my whole life long
For just one mistake?
“My brother’s in the armed forces
My sister is in jail,
Won’t you give me fifty dollars
So I can pay her bail?”
He said “You Can’t Fool The Fat Man
No, you can’t fool me
You’re just a two-bit grifter
And that’s all you’ll ever be”
“You Can’t Fool The Fat Man
No, you can’t fool me
You’re just a two-bit grifter
And that’s all you’ll ever be”

Little Criminals
Lyrics

What you wanna come back here for?
Thought you’re with your uptown friends
Don’t need none of your junkie business
You gonna screw us up again
Get your blackjack off my table
Get your coat out of my rack
We don’t need you ’round here, jerk-off
Chuck, I want you off my back
‘Cause we’ve almost made it
We’ve almost made it
We’ve almost made it to the top
Got a gun from Uncle Freddy
Got a station all picked out
Got a plan and now we’re ready
Gonna take that station out
So you go on about your business
You just leave use folks alone
We don’t need no two-bit junkie
Screwin’ up our happy home
‘Cause we’ve almost made it
We’ve almost made it
We’ve almost made it to the top
We’ve almost made it
We’ve almost made it
We’ve almost made it to the top

Texas Girl At The Funeral Of Her Father
Lyrics

Here I am lost in the wind
‘Round in circles sailing
Like a ship that never comes in
Standing by myself
Sing a sad song for a good man
Sing a sad song for me
Sing a sad song for the sailor
A thousand miles from the sea
Here I am alone on the plain
Sun’s going down
It’s starting to rain
Papa, we’ll go sailing

Jolly Coppers On Parade
Lyrics

They’re comin’ down the street
They’re comin’ right down the middle
Look how they keep the beat
Why they’re as blue as the ocean
How the sun shines down
How their feet hardly touch the ground
Jolly Coppers On Parade
Here come the black-and-whites
Here come the motorcycles
Listen to those engines roar
Now they’re doin’ tricks for the children
Oh, they look so nice
Looks like angels have come down from Paradise
Jolly Coppers On Parade
Oh, mama
That’s the life for me
When I’m grown
That’s what I want to be
They’re comin’ down the street
They’re comin’ right down the middle
Look how they keep the beat
Coming through the heart of the city
Oh, it’s all so nice
Looks like angels have come down from Paradise
Jolly Coppers On Parade

In Germany Before The War
Lyrics

In Germany Before The War
There was a man who owned a store
In nineteen hundred thirty-four
In Dusseldorf
And every night at fine-o-nine
He’d cross the park down to the Rhine
And he’d sit there by the shore
I’m looking at the river
But I’m thinking of the sea
Thinking of the sea
Thinking of the sea
I’m looking at the river
But I’m thinking of the sea
A little girl has lost her way
With hair of gold and eyes of gray
Reflected in his glasses
As he watches her
A little girl has lost her way
With hair of gold and eyes of gray
I’m looking at the river
But I’m thinking of the sea
Thinking of the sea
Thinking of the sea
We lie beneath the autumn sky
My little golden girl and I
And she lies very still

Sigmund Freud’s Impersonation Of Albert Einstein In America
Lyrics

The world of science is my game
And Albert Einstein is my name
I was born in Germany
And I’m happy to be
Here in the land of the brave and the free
Yes, I’m happy to be
Here in the land of the brave and the free
In the year of nineteen five
Merely trying to survive
Took my knapsack in my hand
Caught a train for Switzerland
America, America
God shed his grace on Thee
You have whipped the Filipino
Now you rule the Western Sea
Americans dream of gypsies, I have found
Gypsy knives and gypsy thighs
That pound and pound and pound and pound
And African appendages that almost reach the ground
And little boys playing baseball in the rain
America, America
Step out into the light
You’re the best dream man has ever dreamed
And may all your Christmases be white

Baltimore
Lyrics

Beat-up little seagull
On a marble stair
Tryin’ to find the ocean
Lookin’ everywhere
Hard times in the city
In a hard town by the sea
Ain’t nowhere to run to
There ain’t nothin’ here for free
Hooker on the corner
Waitin’ for a train
Drunk lyin’ on the sidewalk
Sleepin’ in the rain
And they hide their faces
And they hide their eyes
‘Cause the city’s dyin’
And they don’t know why
Oh, Baltimore
Man, it’s hard just to live
Oh, Baltimore
Man, it’s hard just to live, just to live
Get my sister Sandy
And my little brother Ray
Buy a big old wagon
Gonna haul us all away
Livin’ in the country
Where the mountain’s high
Never comin’ back here
‘Til the day I die
Oh, Baltimore
Man, it’s hard just to live
Oh, Baltimore
Man, it’s hard just to live, just to live
Oh, Baltimore
Man, it’s hard just to live
Oh, Baltimore
Man, it’s hard just to live, just to live

I’ll Be Home
Lyrics

I’ll Be Home
I’ll Be Home
When your nights are troubled
And you’re all alone
When you’re feeling down
And need some sympathy
And there’s no one else around
To keep you company
Remember, baby,
You can always count on me
I’ll Be Home
I’ll Be Home
I’ll Be Home
I’ll Be Home
I’ll Be Home
Wherever you may wander
And wherever you may roam
You come back
I’ll be waiting here for you
No one else will ever love you
The way I do
I’ll be here to comfort you
And see you through
I’ll Be Home
I’ll Be Home
I’ll Be Home

Rider In The Rain
Lyrics

Got a gun in my holster
Got a horse between my knees
And I’m goin’ to Arizona
Pardon me, boys, if you please
I have been a desperado
Raped and pillaged ‘cross the plain
Now, I’m goin’ to Arizona
Just a Rider In The Rain
He’s a Rider In The Rain
He’s a Rider In The Rain
And I’m goin’ to Arizona
He’s a Rider In The Rain
Oh, my mother’s in St. Louis
And my bride’s in Tennessee
So, I’m goin’ to Arizona
With a banjo on my knee
He’s a Rider In The Rain
He’s a Rider In The Rain
And I’m goin’ to Arizona
He’s a Rider In The Rain
Used to work in Uncle’s feed store
While he was fightin’ in the war
Now I’m goin’ to Arizona
Ain’t gonna work for him no more
I’m the son of the prairie
And the wind that sweeps the plain
So, I’m goin’ to Arizona
Just a Rider In The Rain
I’m a Rider In The Rain
I’m a Rider In The Rain
And he’s goin’ to Arizona
Just a Rider In The Rain
He’s a Rider In The Rain
He’s a Rider In The Rain
And I’m goin’ to Arizona
Just a Rider In The Rain

Kathleen (Catholicism Made Easier)
Lyrics

There is a courtyard here in Chicago
Down by the river where no one goes
We could be married there in the courtyard
By this old Spanish priest that no one knows
And he’ll say
“Nel blu, dipinto
Dipinto di blu
Felice de stare
Di stare lassu”
That means you love him
And he loves you
“Piu bel ci sono
Ci sei tu”
Kathleen, Kathleen, Kathleen
The best one in the world
Kathleen, Kathleen, Kathleen
I’ve always been crazy about Irish girls
I’ve always been crazy about Irish girls
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey,
Come what may
Hey, hey, hey, hey
I’m gonna take you away, away
Kathleen, Kathleen, Kathleen
I’ve searched through all the world
I dream of you, Kathleen
I’ve always been crazy about Irish girls
I’ve always been crazy about Irish girls

Old Man On The Farm
Lyrics

He’s waitin’ for some rain to fall
He’s waitin’ for some mail to come
He’s waitin’ for the dawn again
Old Man On The Farm
Milk the cow – slop the pigs
Sweeping out the chicken-house
Drinking whiskey in the barn
Goodnight ladies
Sorry if I stayed too long
So long it’s been good to know you
I love the way I sing that song
So long it’s been good to know you
I love the way I sing that song

Released by Warner Brothers (3079-2) in September 1977

Produced by Lenny Waronker and Russ Titelman.

Written, arranged and composed by Randy Newman.